10 things I never thought I'd do

When you graduate from High School and look into the wide open future most of us have certain plans, and goals, and aspirations. If I followed the aptitude test I took in Junior High then I would have started looking for a glass blowing plant to start my apprenticeship (but that's a story for another time). No, when I was in High school, I had different dreams; I would play college football; become an architect; and raise my 8 children in my log cabin with my high school sweetheart. Life took me on a different track and luckily only the most important thing on that list came true.  I have been slowly compiling a mental list of things that I have done that I never would have believed if I had told my 18 year old self.  Here they are in no particular order.

#1. Lose a loved one to cancer.  My younger self never thought about those kind of things. People just lived until they were 80 and then died. My dad was the last person that I ever expected it to happen to. Thankfully most of my memories of him continue to be when he was stronger and more full of life. I miss him greatly and wish my kids could have met him in this life. They would have loved him.

#2. Run in and complete a full marathon. I know there are a lot of people who have done this very thing, or something more amazing, but it's something I'm very proud of. I didn't break any records and I thought I might die several times, but I did it. And as corny as it sounds it really opened me up to the idea that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to.

#3. Hold somebody else's poop in my hand. Gross, right. I hate to be so graphic but it's definitely not something I ever thought I'd do when I was 18. I'd like to be able to tease just one of my kids as the culprit, however I am sad to say that this has happened in one form or another with pretty much all of them. This is the type of stuff they should be sharing in sex education classes if they want to cut down on teen pregnancies.

#4. Replace a water pump. That one probably isn't a big deal to all those mechanically inclined people who were replacing their transmissions while they were in jr. high.  But I was not that person. I didn't even know a vehicle had a water pump in high school. Since then I have had a bit of education and am proud to say that I've replaced starters, plugs, hoses, belts, and a couple things I can't remember the names of.

#5. Have my poetry published. I'll be honest I hated the poetry section in high school English. The only poetry I recited were inappropriate limericks about people from Nantucket.  Now a days I think it's pretty fun to rhyme things out. And I've learned that all kinds of poems can be inappropriate, not just limericks.

#6. Draw for a living. I've always loved to draw, but never anticipated doing it as work. even though I still have to keep my day job of drafting (straight line drawing) I'm slowly getting closer and closer to being a full time illustrator. I look forward to that day.

#7. Paint my daughters toenails. In trying to save some money my wife and two oldest daughters asked me to paint designs on their toenails. I guess when you're an artist people assume you can paint anything, and I guess when you're a dad there is no longer any need to act macho.

#8. Dye my wives hair for her. The scenario was that she was 9 months pregnant and had lost a bit of flexibility due to a pair of fetuses jockeying for position. She asked me to help out, and seeing as how I felt partially responsible for her predicament I agreed.

#9. Have twins. I only new one set of twins growing up and I always thought that they had some sort of magical properties like unicorns, or ligers. After I got married I secretly wanted twins really bad. I just never thought we would have them. Now that we have them I see them for what they really are, twice as smelly, twice as loud, and twice as magical.

#10. Lose the ability to dance. This probably comes as a shock to anyone who saw me in my prime. I had rhythm and great moves, unfortunately I think my kids stole it all from me. When I used to dance it was like "Check out Matt! Now when I dance it's more like "Dad's been drinking"

I wear the pants in the house, when it's OK with my wife.

I've never had a great need to be a supreme ruler over my household. That seems like too much work. I would much rather share that role with my wife.  The problem is my kids don't seem to understand the meaning of "sharing" in any of it's uses. I sometimes think that in their eyes I rank just slightly higher than Lindsay in command and way below Jackie.
I know that I'm not just being paranoid, because I've been keeping track and taking notes of instances to back me up.


Exhibit A:
I ran in and completed a marathon. I was very proud of that. I got a medal and a window decal and everything. Normally I don't like sticking things in my car windows, because you start with your favorite teams sticker, then the next thing you know you've got Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo, but I felt pretty safe with the marathon decal. It's not like I'm going to be collecting one of those every week.  At any rate I was getting ready to put the decal on, when Kalli nervously asks what I'm doing. I tell her I'm putting on my marathon sticker, to which she replies "Did you ask Mom if that's ok"


Exhibit B:
I am at Costco with my kids doing some shopping. We pass the aisle that has brownie mixes, and one mix in particular catches my eye with chocolate chunks in it. Seeing a chance to earn brownie points (terrible pun intended) with Jackie, I grab a box. All the sudden all the kids flip out and say "Did Mom tell you to get those?"  I answer "No, I told me to get them."  Then Lindsay says " I think you should call Mom and ask if it's ok to get them first."


Exhibit C-Z:
Anytime I tell the kids that we are going to do any kind of activity or have any kind of treat, they immediately look at Mom, to see what her reaction is going to be.


I don't know why my kids think I can't wipe my nose without permission. I like to think that it's because they love us both so much that they don't want to see our marriage ripped to shreds over a major decision, like whether or not we should stop and get ice cream. All I know is that if they worried about whether they're doing what mom said as much as they worry about me, then we would never trip over another shoe or backpack in our house.

Matt of all trades

 

When I was young I had many satisfying and fulfilling jobs. Some of the more exciting jobs were; ditch digger for a plumber, chocolate factory worker, ski lift operator, Mountain Maintenance worker, Lumber Mill employee, and Siding Installer. My current jobs are a Civil Engineering Drafter (yawn), and Children's book Illustrator.

As an artist I can be fairly self centered, I like to go check occasionally and see if any of the books I've worked on are published yet, or if anyone has anything positive to say in the reviews. I admit that's a bit shallow and needy of me to look to random faceless praise from the internet, but the other day I found something way better than anything I had hoped for. When I searched my name on Google books, I came up as a character in a book! Oh but wait, there's more. I'm not just a character in any old book, as far as I can tell I'm the main love interest in a 1991 Romance Novel from Harlequin Press called "Filigree of Fancy".

Apparently in the book Matt is an arrogant, debonair, successful business man with green eyes.  The similarities are spooky. My name is Matt, I have green eyes, I've been told I can be arrogant, I think I know what debonair means, I'm a successful . . . well 4 out 5 isn't bad.

I tried desperately to find a sample page to see what my character might say, but this was all I could find:

"Matt Loveridge's green eyes gave him a watchful look, and Trasi was unreasonably excited as they went over her. Sizing him up immediately, she decided that he was cynical, often distrustful and watchful. He looked like a man who would . . ."

Wow! What a cliff hanger. I mean I was only 14 back when this was written, but I have always been very mature for my age. I can totally see why Trasi thought I was cynical. I get that a lot. The sample ended so abruptly it made me wonder what other things Trasi might be thinking of this very mature 14 year old Matt, (so I finished the paragraph).

"Matt Loveridge's green eyes gave him a watchful look, and Trasi was unreasonably excited as they went over her. Sizing him up immediately, she decided that he was cynical, often distrustful and watchful. He looked like a man who would eat five Sloppy Joes in one sitting without stopping to breathe.  Though he was still young, Trasi  knew that if he ever grew into his ears or front teeth, he would easily be 7 feet tall. This was a young man she could waste a whole Saturday with, doing nothing but watching cartoons."

I'm pretty sure that 50 shades of gray is a total knock off of this book, but I'm not a debonair successful businessman so I'm not spending the $4.99 at amazon to find out. If anyone does read this book let me know how it ends.